my favorite.

Me and my favorite child at the Farmers Market

For the last, I don't know, say four months, I have felt a little guilty.
So I'm coming clean, since the moment Eve was born I have loved her sooooo much.
In fact I think I love her too much.
I must be playing favorites- with my children... I think I might be a terrible mother.
But just look at her! How can I not love her the most?
She is the sweetest, happiest, calmest most lovable baby in the universe. The UNIVERSE.
Every time I walk into the room, she looks at me and her entire face lights up with a smile... just for me.
She rarely cries, and when she does- it's like a national emergency in our house.
Girls stop what they are doing and come running, "What's wrong? Eve! What happened?"
And all it takes is for me to pick her up (usually put Tessa in time out because 95% of the time it's her fault) and then she stops crying and smiles at me with tears still in her eyes.
How can I resist- she is just my favorite.
***
But then yesterday I was asked to teach Kate's Sunbeam class.
She answered all my questions and was so excited to have me in her class. I think she smiled the entire time. But the highlight was sitting next to her in Primary. I sat there listening to her sing her little heart out. She was off key and only knew about 1/10 words, but she was so happy to be sitting by me and singing with me- that I started to cry. She is so sweet, and it was such a perfect moment. I loved her soooo much- and at that moment, she was most definitely my favorite.
***
But then Annie comes out of nowhere and says things that just blow me away.
You should have heard her last night explaining how Peter wanted to walk on the water, so he did. But then he was afraid because the wind was blowing so hard and so he lost his faith and started sinking, but then Jesus grabbed his hand and saved him. Or earlier that day, when I had finished teaching Kate's class and there was one boy whose dad hadn't picked him up yet. I didn't know his family, so I was just waiting until he recognized his dad. But then Annie said, "Is your name Brenner? And you have a brother named Joe. So, your dad works in the library right? Mom, I bet you could take him to his dad in the library." Uhhh...Genius. I would have been there for at least 20 minutes longer, but instead we dropped him off to his dad and brother Joe. And I realized that she is taking care of me! And I'm grateful and just so proud of her- and I realize that Annie is actually my favorite.
***
But what about Tessa? Oh she is just a terror. When does the phase of utter destruction end? I'm talking massive messes on top of massive messes. The only time it's safe not to watch her is when she's strapped into her highchair or stroller. But even then, she still throws food with amazing aim and distance. This girl is the one who pushes my patience to the max. She is the one who is just hard! She is the one who is sitting on top of Eve while singing her a song. (Eve didn't even cry, by the way.) And just when I think I'm ready to put her for sale on Craigslist, she walks into the room with a pumpkin bucket on her head. We are all sitting around listening to Brock read scriptures (because we TRY and do that on Sunday nights) and in walks Tessa with a pumpkin helmet, marching around the room. And it is so hilarious- that I realize she may be the hardest child, but she has got to be my favorite.
***
But that is the miracle in motherhood. I think that with the birth of each child, somehow your heart if equipped with the capacity to love beyond anything you've ever felt before. Because I honestly love each girl the MOST. And I can because it's not like there is only a certain amount to go around. I've realized that when it comes to loving, it's unlimited...
So I can drop the guilt, and love Eve as much as I want.
I can play favorites because they will all be my favorite at certain times for certain things.
Just like they will all be the hard one at certain times for certain things.
But it's nice to know that I have enough love for them all.
So I can have four favorite girls...
And still have room for my favorite husband too.

p.s. Sorry about skipping the interview last week- my plan was to interview Annie, but she was oozing sass and attitude on Friday. I didn't want to document that- so we put it off until next week. Hopefully we can find a sass-free moment to chat sometime this week...