Ten Years.

It's been pretty much forever since I've written anything here.

I blame Instagram because it's so easy to share what I'm up to with pictures.

But today I want to share some words about Brock and what he means to me.

That's really what I love about writing here... it's how I'm feeling at that moment.

So in honor of being married to my favorite guy for ten years, I'm back to the blog.

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The day we got married is a bit of a blur.  It was the first temple marriage I had ever attended, so I had no idea how it actually all worked.  I drove up to the temple with my parents so that Brock wouldn't see me before the wedding- you know me and my superstitions. Turns out they don't let you into the temple without your future spouse, so my parents and I sat in the lobby and everyone looked at me sympathetically like I'd been stood up on my wedding day.  After awhile I started to worry because he was late. Then our guests started showing up and I actually started worrying that maybe I had been stood up!

Then I saw him walk in through the doors. I was so relieved that he'd shown up, but then I saw his face and realized he was freaking out. He looked like he was going to be sick.  I looked at him and looked at my parents and I think everyone sensed that he was stressed. They took us through the paper work and I kept looking at his face hoping he would smile at me, but he wouldn't even look at me.  His face looked pale and he was NOT smiling. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. I started worrying that he wasn't sure about this- maybe he didn't want to marry me! What was going on?! I wanted to cry.

We went our separate ways to get dressed. The bride's room in the Salt Lake Temple was packed. One of the Temple Workers was yelling (in a quiet voice) at me because we were late and we were making a General Authority (President Bateman) wait on us and do we know how busy General Authorities are? And I stood there looking in mirror while my mom did up my dress worrying about Brock.  At one point after his mission, he had said he wanted to get married when he was 25 and finished with school- I had thought he was just playing hard to get, but what if that's really what he wanted and he doesn't want to marry me today? My mom could tell I was upset and kept saying things like, "It's ok. It's all ok. We're not late. You look beautiful. It's all ok." And yet it didn't feel ok. I wanted to cry.

Finally we were finished and the temple worker moved on to hound some other poor bride. I was led around a corner and saw Brock. I was a bundle of nerves. I was so close to bursting into tears and ruining my professionally done makeup, but then I saw him.  And he looked so, so GOOD. I looked up at him expecting to see that worried look on his face, and he looked at me and smiled. With that one smile, everything changed. Every worry, every stress, every fear left. With that one smile, he made me feel like the most beautiful and most punctual bride in the world. He held my hand and told me I looked beautiful and I've never been so happy in my life.

The ceremony was a blur. All I remember is our family smiling at us and how I felt when I knelt across the altar from Brock. I've never felt joy like that. It felt like it was physical, somehow. Like it was pouring out of my fingers in a way. I've never felt like that before or since. I felt so close to Brock, but I also felt so close to God. It was absolutely amazing.

The rest of the day was full of love, laughter, family, and so much fun. It was not full of food and I remember being hungry the entire day and poor Brock's feet were killing him because his shoes were like three sizes too small. But he's tough and got through it and even danced at the reception with me- but his feet were probably numb at that point. :) Then it was time to leave and we hopped into the limo- we made a quick stop at the Wendy's drive-thru where we had to make a few 8 point turns to get through it and it turned out I wasn't hungry anymore because I was nervous... honeymoon nerves, you know. So Brock ordered a number 6 with fruit punch and I ordered a diet coke and we were off. 

And now it's ten years later. When I think about how young Brock and I were, it's amazing to me that we've made it. Marriage isn't easy because life isn't easy. We've been through so much, but have also been blessed more than I ever could have imagined.

When we were in Mexico on our honeymoon, I asked Brock about that morning before the wedding. I asked him what was wrong. Was he nervous? Was he having second thoughts?  I was actually nervous to ask- but what he told me made me love him and respect him so much more. It also made me realize I had a lot to learn from him. 

Brock told me that he knew this was the most important thing he would ever do in his entire life and he was taking it seriously.  He said from the moment he woke up he knew that getting married in the temple was the biggest decision he'd ever make and that it was something he wanted to thoughtfully. I was surprised because the Brock of 21 (almost 22) was a very fun loving guy, but it was just a glimpse for me of the kind of husband he would be. 

This means more to me today than ever because he has lived these last ten years this way. He treats his marriage and his family like the most important thing he's ever done or will do.  Brock is blessed with the ability to succeed at life- he's been blessed so much, but he turns it all over to his family.  He's an amazing father and I love him so much for that. 

I'm so grateful for him. I grateful for him everyday. I'm grateful that he takes his role as a husband and father so seriously. His dedication to us means so much to me. It makes me love him more now than I did the day I married him. And his smile... it still makes me everything else go away. And I feel like his beautiful bride, ten years later.