Hopefully I DON'T Laugh out Loud.

Tessa watching a little bit of game film of her mother.
And when I say film- I mean it.
This is on VHS.

When I'm not pregnant I have a hard time remembering what it felt like when I was pregnant.
I remember that it was horrible and hard, but can't remember how it felt.
I have a very terrible memory- this probably explains why I have had four children.
But the second I get sick to my stomach- the flu, car sickness, anything... it all comes flooding back.
And I think- I will never, ever have another baby. There is no way I could do it.
***
Well yesterday was a flashback of sorts for me.
It all started last Wednesday when I went to Scouts with Brock.
In a moment of pure insanity- I decided to long jump.
Standing.
Long.
Jump.
Yes, that's right.
I'm a moron.
Turns out the long jump is sort of high impact and my knees are freaking out.
So I do all of the usual things- you know RICE...
Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation
After 8 days, I realize that I need to go see a doctor.
So Brock being the rock star that he is-
calls and gets me an appointment with the best surgeon in Idaho that day...
As I walk into the door of the office,
I am flooded with all of the memories and emotions from 9 years ago.
I think it was the smell...
Have you ever been to an orthopedic surgeons office?
Let me tell you about it...
It's full of old people.
And smells like, well, old people. Like a combination of Old Spice and BenGay.
When you sign in, it asks you your name and if you are currently living in a nursing home.
I know all about these places because I spent a lot of time in these kind of places. A lot.
In fact when they ask me to write down any previous surgeries...
I run out of spaces.
It looks like this:
April '99- Lateral Meniscal Repair
August '99- Lateral Meniscal Repair (again)
April '01- Lateral Release
April '02- Microfracture
September '02- High Tibial Osteotomy
December '02- Meniscal Transplant
That's it.
I still can't get over it.
Why did I do this to myself?
Played basketball... so that ten years later I could watch myself with my two year old daughter on video?
Really? When I think about it now it seems almost as silly as well, doing the standing long jump.
But when I think back to the "why" at the time all this was going on-
It was about so much more than basketball.
It was about not giving up.
It was about doing hard things.
It was about overcoming pain.
And I do know that those things helped shape me- made me who I am.
It made me the kind of person who will never drop a door on someone using crutches...
But in the end, the injury won and I wasn't able to play my senior year.
And when my 19 year old self was lamenting this fact to my 5th orthopedic surgeon-
He told me to forget playing basketball- "I just want you to be able to walk when you are pregnant."
Take that, injury. I walked through four pregnancies.
And then I walked right into the x-ray room and then into the exam room.
The Surgeon's assistant came in to go over my history and at one point I thought he asked me if I had any Mental Allergies- I looked at him like what the crap does that mean...
Turns out he meant Metal Allergies.
"Oh... Ya. Nope- No metal allergies."
The Surgeon walked in and pulled up the screen with my x-ray.
Holy Crap- my knee is jacked up.
And this is the point where I nickname this particular Surgeon, "Dr. Speed."
As in... Dr. "I feel the need, the need for Speed."
He immediately starts talking about knee replacements.
And how he will use the highest technology-
and about the time he did a hip replacement for the 28 year old guy- and Dr. Speed was all worried about it lasting until he was ninety. And then Dr. Speed went on to say that three years later the guy got hit by a drunk driver and was killed. REALLY.
(Orthopedic Surgeons are not known for their bedside manner/communication skills.)
And it's all about the QUALITY OF LIFE for his patients...
Then Dr. Speed proceeds to talk for 10 minutes and in 10 minutes I do not understand a SINGLE thing he says.
At one point he said, "Trabecular Metal."
And I got all excited because I've heard of that before.
Brock was talking about it one night when he was getting trained...
And then it was back to not having a freaking clue.
At one point, I was getting really anxious about the fact that I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it was about me.
But when I get really nervous or anxious... I laugh.
(Remember Dr. Sphincter?)
It's not funny, but still I laugh out loud.
By myself.
No jokes.
It's just me laughing.
I think Brock sensed that I was losing it and kind of leaned against me-
Like stay with me...
Please don't lose it in front of this guy.
And somehow I kept my cool.
Turns out Dr. Speed wants to start with a scope and clean it up first and get a better idea of what he's dealing with...
And ten minutes later we are walking out of the office with a surgery date.
I wasn't too thrilled.
But I knew it was coming.
The Standing Long Jump just made me face what I would have put off for as long as I could.
And as my friend put it...
"Don't blame the long jump... It was your last chance at Glory!"
So true and so funny.
Now it's time to be brave and face my fears...
Hopefully without too many tears and especially without uncontrollable laughter...
That is all I can hope for.
And lucky for me, Brock knew exactly what Dr. Speed was talking about.
I married a freaking brainiac.
He also told me this guy cranks the music during surgery- sometimes even hip hop.
It's like we're best friends already. :)